Morning Anxieties

Every day for a week or so now when I wake up I walk to the bathroom, and look in the mirror. To confirm I am still here? I'm not young any more, so it is a reasonable thing to check even without a pandemic.

Then I assess my metabolism. Not with an instrument; I just reflect: Do I feel okay? Do I have the energy I would expect to have after a good night's sleep? Or, not-so-good - my anxieties typically come out in my dreams. During the day my emotions can be like a mountain lake at sunset on windless day. Not always, of course; but usually. Then at night all the demons jump out in the form of nutty adventures that make no sense but wake me up with a pounding heart. Not to mention I sometimes stay up until all hours and don't get that much sleep, so why would I not feel run down? But still - how do I actually feel?

Okay. Fine. Not feverish. Not run down. Maybe a little groggy. Overall I'm good. Then I clear my throat. How's that doing? The usual morning scratchiness, especially this time of year. I'm not going to make myself over about it.

Then I cough. Uh-oh. And then I remind myself, I've been doing that for weeks - once or twice a day, a cough. Maybe three times. Probably spring allergies, I've had them all my life.

Or could I be one of those more or less asymptomatic carriers? That would be good for me - hey, I'm immune now, hurray! But if I were I would have already given it to enough people around me and they would not all be asymptomatic. Yet I don't know anyone who believes they have the "novel coronavirus". There may be a few who are writing coronavirus novels - I guess there will be enough of those in years to come. There have been enough in years gone by. But if everyone I know is asymptomatic then I cannot be a carrier. Which means I am not immune now. Oh well. Better stay home until we need milk or something.

Is all this introspection making me crazy? Or was I a hypochondriac already? Maybe the situation just brings out our worst underlying fears, our paranoia and hypochondria and claustrophobia. Maybe I'm introspecting to avoid giving in to that. Or maybe that is giving in to it. There are no answers to this, only questions. And lots of well-meaning web sites and politicians and health organizations with helpful advice about managing your anxieties - all of which it is more helpful not to have to hear.

Really what I think is that if we would introspect a lot more about our moral choices and our personal flaws instead of our physical stamina we would be better people, make better decisions and stop blaming others for our bad ones. If we could redirect our anxieties into this kind of channel the world would be a better place. But if I can imagine myself doing it only rarely, I can't imagine most people doing it at all. Look who's running the country, a guy whose entire political life is built on getting people to blame others for their problems. A guy who has to mention "Chinese virus" at least 17 times in a press conference. Donald Trump "introspecting"? Self-criticizing? LOL! But seriously, not Bernie Sanders or Elizabeth Warren either. I know which ideologies I prefer, but what I prefer most is no ideology, just honesty. Supplies of this are lower than hand sanitizer or face masks.

Could the health crisis make us more honest with each other by giving us practice in looking at ourselves, our common mortality, our universal humanity, the boat that we all have to row together? It's a nice thought, at least.