And, one more item - condoms. Condoms? Good to know that some people were thinking positively. My guess was that a certain 49% of the human race was more hopeful about the opportunities presented by being quarantined with their partner or spouse than the other 51%. But according to an article in the Hindustani Times, the owner of a "medical shop" in South Mumbai claimed that more women than men were buying. I wonder if I could confirm that at Rite Aid.
I mean, what an encouraging development for intimacy: thousands of people are about to die, the children are to be shuttered inside with parents for weeks or months, shopping will soon become a desperate and death-defying act of courage, and the cautious are about to engage in a non-stop wipedown and mop-up of everything that came in from outside or touched something that came in from outside or might possibly have a living germ on it after sitting in a backpack for three weeks. Let's stock up on Trojans before we miss any of the fun and games!
So how's the condom thing going for ya' anyway?
"Hey, honey, I'm done spraying the groceries with Lysol, one of the kids is almost in bed and there hasn't been an ambulance siren in seven minutes. Want to screw?"
"Sure, just what I've been waiting for. Right after I call my father in the nursing home and make sure he's still alive."
"Okay, let me go take my medication and I'll be right there."
"You need Viagra? Why? You're only 37."
"No, I need a Valium so I can stop worrying about whether I'll have a job next month. It kind of ruins the mood."There are various other theories about the condom rush that have little to do with the sexual fantasies of quarantined couples. For example, one Australian tabloid traced it to social media posts calling on people to use them to protect their fingers from germs. I guess the idea is that "spermicide" and "germicide" are so close phonetically they must have some biological connection too.
The U.K. Guardian posted a more plausible explanation: the Malaysian factory that makes Durex and other popular brands was shut due to social distancing requirements, leading to a global drop in supplies. Factories in China, India and elsewhere are also failing to pump them out. But how would that explain a rise in the sale of sex toys, also duly reported in the land of the Kama Sutra?
Whether there's a corona-related lovefest going on or not, there has been plenty of unrequested advice about sex in the infected city. Consider the NYC Department of Health memo advising everyone that your best sex partner is "yourself". Can I see by a show of hands how many married men needed that reminder? Not to mention single, unattached people of any gender without a current sex partner, and women whose chosen partner is not up to her requirements in that area. (This last category may significantly overlap that of "women who are married to men".) I think I figured out that "myself" was my safest sex partner when I was 13 - though my music teacher would have been preferred, safe or not.
Question: has Mayor DeBlasio ever followed up by promoting masturbation at one of his press conferences? (Note: necrophiliacs, you can ignore the advice; the field is wide open for you at the moment. Also, if you're a zoophiliac, please exercise caution, especially if your preference is bats.)
The fearless DOH, whose experience with straight talk presumably grows out of the AIDS crisis in NYC, has also noted the risk of COVID-19 transmission in rim jobs (if you don't know what that is, read on) and suggested that a condom on the tongue can reduce the risk. Now, imagine the kind of person who is out there trying to acquire new sex partners in the midst of all this, and ask yourself: are they likely to follow DOH guidelines on safe ways to lick someone's butthole? Even if condoms were available?
DOH's other helpful advice includes the observation that rather than meeting your online partner, "video dates, sexting or chat rooms" might satisfy your lust for now. Responsible use of sex toys and pornography are also addressed - make sure you sing "Happy Birthday" twice while washing those dolls, please.
As a citizen, I am relieved to find that my tax dollars are going to support the development of such socially relevant memos. But I think they left a bit too much to the imagination. So for example, while oral sex itself is not a known source of transmission, how do you do it while staying six feet away from the breath of a partner who's 5'4"? This is much harder to figure out than the fact that jerking off is your safest option.
Furthermore, they failed to talk about socially responsible bondage and S&M sex during the crisis. Which is weird, because the motivations are greater than ever, and the possibilities seem endless. Rather than actually strangling the person you are now forced to deal with all day long, you could act out your aggressions without causing real harm. And we're already locked down, so a few chains and handcuffs will feel like a natural extension. DOH could have advised about the health consequences of trying to get what you want from your restrained partner by threatening them with a non-disinfected package of pasta, rather than the traditional whips and candle wax. Or offered guidance on how long viruses can survive on leather. Or how you can tell when someone might be having breathing difficulties unrelated to the ball gag they're wearing. I guess with all the panic they are just too tied up to cover this.
For more condomless fun and games this article in The New York Post, always an intelligent source for up-to-date information, discusses a variety of options for virtual gratification, including more free porn than ever before, and online socializing of various sorts. Women constituting a tiny percentage of online pornography users, I guess that part is mainly directed to individuals of my own persuasion. Which is not to say I ever waste my time viewing such inane nonsense: the acting is so bad, the scripts are ridiculous, the women and the men are both ugly (well, most of them; not all), the situations are abusive, and the fetishes are too sick to describe. I got all this information second-hand, of course.
"George, what are you doing down there in the basement?"Whatever the truth is about the disappearance of rubbers, it may be that far from a harbinger of winter babies (lovingly nicknamed Baby Zoomers, Coronials or Quaranteens) we're looking at a pandemic of divorces (unlovingly nicknamed "covidivorces"). Hopefully not both, I might add. But there were plenty of reports that the divorce rate in Wuhan and elsewhere shot up.
"Um... just checking if Costco has any delivery dates available."
"Why can't you do that up here and watch the kids while I'm working?"
"Oh, sure. I just didn't want to expose them to... too much screen time."
"You've been down there every day this week and haven't scheduled a single delivery."
"Yes, well... it's hard. To find dates, I mean. For deliveries."
"The kids need lunch and a little bit more structure."
"I'm coming in a minute. Upstairs. Two minutes."
"Hey, it looks like our Whole Foods order from two weeks ago just arrived."
"Oh my god, I'm gonna have an orgasm!"
So what will it be: love 'em? Or leave 'em? Are you suddenly beginning to think about the day when you are both retired and have no choice but to deal with each other minute by minute until death do you really part? Are you considering the idea that living alone in a one-room studio in Sheepshead Bay is not actually worse than constantly vacuuming snacks from under your loved one's couch pillow or being screamed at not to put the wet dishes on top of the dry ones? Or are you experiencing a renewal of that vital energy that drove you to the bedroom five times the day you moved in together? Have you rediscovered the fact that "bed" actually refers to any clear surface on which you can lay down a towel?
Don't feel any pressure to answer right now. You might want to wait a month or so and see if we are released for good behavior. But there's no need to wait longer than that, for both sex and divorce can be achieved online. True, there may be certain key features missing, like a warm body that is not "yourself", or a judge's signature.
For that reason among others, I suggest you consider the following solution: virtual playdates with your spouse or partner. Consider the advantages:
- You do it in separate rooms and stay out of each other's hair (so to speak)
- You can safely have your fun while the kids are watching a movie in the living room (just keep your voices down)
- You get to follow DOH guidelines on the safest sex partner
- You don't need any of those sold-out condoms (though for guys it could be neater)
- It might just save the expense of a covidivorce, or the even greater expense of a Quaranteen
- With a little practice you can check for Costco delivery dates while you play
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